Unfortunately I haven't been able to bring you the planned piece for Writing; The Alphabet today so instead I thought I'd share with you one of my short humorous stories instead. This one is about an elderly Welsh couple and their foray into BDSM. I hope you like it!
‘FIFTY SHADES OF GREY HAIR’
‘He’s a bit tied up at the moment,’ I’m just telling the girl on the phone about my husband, ‘Could you call back in a couple of hours?’ That’ll please him. Likes getting phone calls from young ladies, does my Harold. Even when they’re just trying to sell him life insurance. He’s already covered, I made sure of that. Took out one of those ‘Over 50’ policies about ten years ago or more. He won’t tell her that though. Not at first, anyway. Likes to listen to them prattle on, getting excited that they might make a sale.
‘I don’t like upsetting them,’ he tells me. I know he just likes listening to their voices – makes a nice change from mine all the time. I don’t mind, as long as he’s happy!
Anyway, back to this ‘being tied up’ business. It’s true. He’s tied to the bedpost! Sitting on the floor, hands tied behind his back. Don’t worry, we haven’t been burgled or anything – nothing worth taking anyway. I’ve been reading this ’Fifty Shades’ thing the grandchildren were on about. They think it’s something new. I didn’t like to tell them we were doing it all years ago! Well, of course, in our day, it was jumping off wardrobes and hanging from lampshades, but it’s the same thing – sort of.
I thought about improvising with the ‘St Andrew’s Cross’ by stapling some yellow knitting wool to the bed board we use when Harold’s back gets too bad. Didn’t really work out, he has trouble laying flat at the best of times! Nearly put his back out all over again! Couldn’t get his arms and legs straight either – that’s what it’s like when you get to our age! I don’t think Mrs James had us pensioners in mind when she wrote that book!
‘You can keep your pyjamas on,’ I told him as I tied him up – well, once you know what they look like you don’t have to keep looking, do you? Not that my memory’s that good these days, but I think that’s an advantage sometimes. He was lovely in his day, mind. Young and fit. Well, upright and breathing anyway, which was as much as we could hope for in the ‘50’s’.
He would’ve been cold if he took his top off anyhow – we don’t put the heating on til next month! The gas fire in the living room will do til then – not much good when we’re in the bedroom though! I don’t want him getting a cold on his chest, though, men are awful when they’re ill, and the sound of him coughing his guts up keeps the neighbours awake – never mind me. Sometimes I’m glad I remove my hearing aid at night!
I thought about his hairy chest, though, – I used to think that was so sexy when we were young! Nowadays his back’s hairier than his front and it puts me off a bit! Seems to have hair everywhere these days, nose, ears, back, - everywhere but on his head! All different shades of grey they are, I wonder if Mrs James saw my husband and thought it would make a good title for her book? We could be making a fortune on the royalties – do you get royalties for a book title? That would eke out the pension a bit!
We didn’t bother with the silk tie today, either. He’s only got the one. Black, it is. Wears it for funerals. Didn’t think it was that appropriate for what we had in mind. I looked at his polyester ones, mostly paisley and funny cartoons, he doesn’t wear a tie so often these days, only on Sundays. I settled for the belt off his dressing gown in the end. Soft blue towelling. I didn’t tie it tight, either. Well, don’t want to hurt the old bugger, do I? Besides, the rheumatics in my hands mean I don’t have much strength!
When Mrs James wrote about that ‘Red Room of Pain’ she must have been thinking about our leisure centre on a Thursday afternoon. ‘Keep Fit for the Over 60s’ they call it, feels more like ‘Kill ‘em all off and grab your Inheritance!’ I don’t think that instructor’s ever heard of arthritis or replacement hips - too young, see?
Anyway, my poor Harold suffers a bit with his aches and pains so I propped him up with plenty of cushions and pillows, so he’s quite comfy up there. He’s even sat on a fluffy eiderdown so he doesn’t get a numb bum! Well, that would have been a disaster!
I lit a few candles to make a nice atmosphere, and turned the lights off. Actually, it was already eight o’clock in the morning so the sun was already up, (well you need a good night’s sleep to work up to these things, don’t you?), but I thought it would add to the ‘ambience’. Harold complained about the candles – ‘You’ll regret it when the power goes off’ he moaned, so I made do with just a couple of tea lights.
I put on some nice music, too. We don’t really go in for all that classical stuff Christian Grey plays, but Harold’s got some good ‘military band’ albums. Doesn’t bother me what we put on, I still haven’t put my hearing aid in!
Thought I’d do a bit of a sexy dance for him, you know, get him in the mood a bit. Like that Ana does in the book. Well, maybe not quite like Ana. My long flannelette nightie and my fluffy slipper-boots got in the way a bit, and the arthritis stopped me moving much, but he got the idea.
I was hoping it wasn’t going to all be too much for him. You know. At his age. You hear about old men having heart attacks from the excitement of it all, don’t you? I don’t know if SAGA would pay out if they found out he died from sex!
Anyway, I needn’t have worried. I thought he was just getting there, you know, after all my swaying about and stuff, so I went to take his slippers off, real sensual-like. That’s when I heard it! Oh no, not a great gulp as he took his last breath or anything! Snoring! The daft old bugger fell asleep on me! Well, after that I thought there’s only one thing for it. I came in here and made myself a cup of tea. Perhaps Mrs James should write a book for us oldies, ’50 Shades of Earl Grey’.
Join me on Friday when my guest for 'Meet the Author' will be the lovely Michelle Roth. We'll be finding out more about her and her latest release. Until then enjoy the rest of the week and have fun with whatever you're reading and/or writing.